Hello world! So, I have decided to start documenting my bizarre journey on the road to total health, wellness, prosperity, beauty and gorgeous men lounging in togas in every room of my house.
Basically, it’s difficult to say when health started being a goal for me, rather than simply a state of being. At the age of ten I developed terrible headaches which lasted a year. My mother took me to the optometrist, chiropractor, allergist, orthodontist and every -ist she could think of. Ultimately they just vanished on their own. I also remember having chronic bronchitis in high school, making a totally mortifying hacking sound in the back of the classroom, begging off of school assignments due to a high fever and inability to breathe.
Well, that’s why I’m blogging isn’t it? To uncover the deep roots which feed my symptoms and discover the relics of my past, my subconscious, my karma and process which may provide clues to my future well being. So, what’s the Aha?
Duh! Getting sick is the PERFECT excuse. If you’re sick you don’t have to take responsibility for homework, tests, attendance, bills, work, life! Right? Yes. I am so right. Taking responsibility is my holy grail, but I’ll tell you more about that later, we’re about to get personal.
So, how personal does a blog called “Needles in my Ass” get? Well, the bronchitis and headaches vanished as I entered into college. At one point, studying abroad in Italy, I developed a terrible ear infection and went deaf for three weeks. While I regained my hearing, my ears still pop a hundred times a day. Trust me, you get used to it. Anyway, nearly four years of all- nighters, and pure, unadulterated stress later, I started showing signs of one of my current strange ailments.
It all started when I fell head over heals for a handsome soldier crashing a pre-graduation party, dragged him home and promptly threw my virginity out the window. He told me he was using a condom, I saw and heard it being opened, and yet, did not realize that it had never met it’s intended destination until it was too late. I felt my trust close up like a drawstring had been pulled and knotted. Subsequently, sex was excruciatingly painful. All of my friends were in on it and they would give us tips, “try it with you on top,” or “what about from behind?” Well, we tried everything, and it all left me blinded by white hot pain.
When he left for Iraq nine days later, I was left with a wicked urinary tract infection that left me curled in a feverish ball in a bathroom stall. I popped a few cranberry pills and antibiotics that summer, and eventually the stubborn UTI vanished.
Yes, he was my first love, and yes, he did break my heart. I wonder to this day if the vagina remembers, and has created my current situation.
Four years, six partners and nothing but punishing sex later I have been diagnosed with vulvodynia and interstitial cystitis. Basically, the terms mean “your pussy, urethra and asshole are super owy and we don’t know why or what to do about it.” Ugh.
A year ago my arms and legs fell asleep one day at a coffee shop. While the lingering tingling left my left foot six months ago, it has recently returned to drive me silently insane with the feeling as though tiny ants are crawling halfway up my ankle.
Then, six weeks ago, I developed acute sinusitis. A sinus infection, simple words which basically mean that your brain feels as though it’s melting and you wake up exhausted no matter how much you sleep.
“Fun Times for Liz Becker” is the alternate name for this blog by the way.
Well, that pretty much sums it up. Check out “Day One, A session with the Nepalese Ayurvedic, Dr. Shresta,” to keep reading.